CHATTERBOX

The Indy announced today that the April 1, 2003 issue will be its last. The newspaper will be sold to the Vidette for an undisclosed sum.

"We could not compete with the Vidette's mighty journalistic skills," concedes Indy co-founder John Wilson. "Their investigative reporting, stylish writing, and brilliant commentary made them too powerful a foe."

"This is exactly the kind of media consolidation we've been warning you about," noted Indy contributor Anthony DiMaggio. "But, no, you wouldn't listen."

Vidette editors announced that they would make numerous changes in the Indy. "Many of the words in the Indy include several syllables, and our studies indicate that they require a reading ability far above the sixth-grade level that we at the Vidette aim to serve," said a Vidette editor, who asked to remain anonymous.

He added, "The Indy is way too negative. It's all, 'criticize this, mock that.' A professional newspaper has to be more friendly to people in power." Therefore, he announced that the Indy's name would be changed to the more agreeable "Indeed." According to this editor, "The name 'Indeed' shows the change toward a newspaper that serves its readers by telling them what they want to hear."

The Vidette also expressed plans to take over the Black Writers Forum's Truth-Seekers Journal (which will be renamed the Fact-Repeaters Journal), and the College Republicans' Illinois State Patriot (if they ever put out another issue).

A photo on the cover of the Nov. 6, 2002 issue of the Indy, showing President George W. Bush resembling Osama bin Laden, is a fake, sources revealed last week.

"I could have sworn it was a real photo," said contributor Anthony DiMaggio. "It does look like Bush, you know."

That issue of the Indy was torn up by local patriots who were angry because they thought Bush had decided to become a terrorist. "We obviously owe the President an apology, since it turns out that although he wants to kill thousands of innocent people for political reasons, he does not wear a turban and have a big beard," noted co-founder John Wilson. "Oops."

A year after the fatal shooting of an ISU student by a Normal police officer, the chief of police is vowing to put more of the student body in the morgue. Normal Police Chief Nathan Diniel declared, "Coming from a boring place called 'Normal,' it's really hard to get the respect of other police chiefs. But if you take out a few punk kids, they admire you."

Chief Diniel noted that after the shooting last spring, respect for the police increased dramatically and rude comments fell 72%. However, he added that routine shootings are needed to remind students to stay in line: "You'd be surprised how forgetful drunk guys are." Responding to reports that officers were secretly taking photographs of "subversive" students and using them for target practice on the firing range, Chief Diniel declared, "Well, we have to shoot something, don't we?"

Chief Diniel wants more funding for extra ammo and some special projects. "Right now, we're working on getting our guys some of those cool shotgun shoulder holsters, like Arnold Schwarzeneggar has in his movies," declared Diniel. "And a tank. We'd like to have a tank."

President Eject Vic Boschini has proposed to replace all grass on the ISU quad with Astroturf due to constantly deteriorating conditions from students who walk and play on the grass. "This will make it easier for students to play football and other fun games on the quad. Playing games on the quad is essential for students who want to look cool," Boschini said. ISU student J. Jackson agrees, stating "football on the quad is so much more exciting than any of the classes I've ever taken here. I hope more people will take athletics seriously since there is no way of ignoring the games that take place on the quad between classes." An ISU Trustee voiced his lone dissent that this might promote students ditching classes to play games on the quad. This comment was deemed unacceptable and the Trustee was silenced with duct tape for the rest of the meeting while the remaining board of trustees made an Astroturfed quad a top priority in the ISU master plan.

Normal town officials have announced that instead of a traffic circle in downtown Normal, a traffic "figure 8" without stop signs or traffic lights will be constructed. "We're looking to bring more excitement into downtown Normal. And what's more exciting than a demolition derby?" declared Mayor Chris Koos. Town officials denied that large sums of money from a local auto body shop had anything to do with their decision.

ISU lame duck President Vic Boschini announced that the appearance of magician David Copperfield at Braden Auditorium on April 4 was actually an effort to convince him to magically erase the budget difficulties facing ISU. "Let's face it. I'm a desperate man," declared Boschini. "We're also bringing in psychics, Tarot card readers, and a few alien abductees, mostly for their experience with anal probes."

After years of relying upon "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there," the local insurance goliath is planning to change its slogan. Due to billions of dollars in losses over the past two years, State Farm is anticipating astronomical hikes in its premiums. Therefore, marketing experts have suggested a new advertising campaign with the slogan, "Like that neighbor who calls the cops on your parties, State Farm is screwing you over." Focus groups indicated that it tested well due to its honesty.