Marijuana: Not Just a Gateway Drug for Humans
Help support the Bush Administration's "Operation Pre-Emptive Toke-out"
This announcement paid for by the United States Government "War on Drugs" Campaign
While the terribly addicting nature of Marijuana has been known for years, what many might not know is that its seductive powers are not limited to humans. Current research from the Department of Homeland Security reveals that Marijuana is also cripplingly addicting to animals large and small. Reports have surfaced of intoxicated squirrels biting innocent pedestrians. To make matters worse, an incredible number of dogs high on devil weed have been spotted humping the legs of unsuspecting onlookers. The picture above taken just outside Illinois State University's Quad, shows the adverse effects of the drug on the local chipmunk population. Indeed, who knows what animals may be next in line to become addicted to this horrible gateway drug. Presidential advisors are already predicting widespread addiction throughout the United States. While Americans may be curious of the mysterious effects of smoking Marijuana, the important question must be asked, if the drug is so devastatingly addicting to local animals, what kind of effect will it have on humans? This question cannot be answered by further testing, the Bush Administration has a much better idea: anything Attorney General John Ashcrack says goes. When asked to provide evidence of the stated threat of Marijuana, Ashcrack stated, "Don't ask us how we know, we just know." While some questioned the legitimacy of Ashcrack's statements , he continued by explaining, "As any patriotic American should know, questions are the bedfellow of terrorists." Ashcrack ended his argument, "You have to believe me, I mean I'm an Attorney and a General. You just can't beat that." Indeed we can't.
It is already a well-known fact that when Americans buy illegal drugs like Marijuana they are supporting terrorists. It is also undeniable that the threat Marijuana poses to America's national security is too large to even permit further testing of the consequences of the drug. All questions must be abandoned so that the Bush Administration may effectively declare a "pre-emptive" war against this lethal drug before it destroys the United States of America. "Operation Pre-Emptive Toke-out" will "take out" this subversive drug from our homes. The law when passed will give the Department of Justice under the jurisdiction of Attorney General John Ashcrack the power to enter any home necessary to root out any terrorist supporting Marijuana smokers. No effort must be spared in ridding our nation of this deadly drug. Help say no to accidental shootings, car accidents, murder, terrorist financing, pornography, rape, pre-marital sex, teenage pregnancy, pedophiles, homelessness, streaking, hip-hop, rock music and every other direct consequence of smoking Marijuana. Say no to gateway drugs; say no to Marijuana, it's more dangerous than we ever thought. Remember, you're either with us or with the terrorists.
To turn in a friend or family member, please call 1 800-555-1984 For every family member turned in, there will be a $10 reward (tax-free)
