NEWSBRIEFS

On March 6, the Defense Department announced that USAID would not award the oil giant, Halliburton, with a contract to rebuild Iraq. In fact, the department claims the former Cheney-run corporation was never even considered. "That would be absurd," said an angered Donald Rumsfeld.

"Clearly this would be using the war as a way to benefit our corporate buddies." Later, he added with a tear in his eye, "I mean, we made a mess of their country in the name of democracy."

Many "conspiracy theorists" had been certain the Bush administration would have taken this opportunity to help its contributors over at Halliburton make a hefty profit. These people are uninformed. They watch Fox News. They have the audacity to think that our leaders have ulterior political motives.

The contracts to rebuild Iraq are worth up to $900 million which would prove lucrative for any company partaking. Kellogg, Brown and Root, an engineering division of Halliburton, expressed deep regret of this decision. "I thought? I thought our relationship with the administration meant something", a perplexed spokesman declared. "What about all those campaign contributions and late night meetings with Donny?" As he rocked back and forth with his arms folded tightly across his chest, he revealed, "I feel used."

Instead of allowing U.S. companies to rebuild Iraq, USAID states that the country will remain in ruin, opting for the "McDonald's-for-oil" provision. So long as Iraqis release their full supply of oil, the U.S. will ensure the people are fed a steady supply of Whopper's. "When the Iraqis realize that we are not going to simply do what is right unless we have an incentive, I am highly confident they will be more than willing to turn over some of that good ol' black gold," said an animated Rumsfeld.

When questioned on this matter, President Bush simply stared off into space. "What? Oh! Uh? ruthless dictator? terrorist regime? war on terrorism? axis of evil?"

Thousands of wacky hippies filled various cities around the world with protests. In New York City, protesters clogged streets for miles, inconveniencing numerous motorists. Police estimated the crowd at "more than 500." At least two counter-protesters could be seen, shouting "love it or leave it."

After considering bills to recognize Raggedy Ann and Andy as the official state doll and popcorn as the official state snack food, state legislators are proposing a new bill to make bribery the official state government activity.

"I think it's time that the fine tradition of bribery in Illinois government receive the credit that's due to it," announced House Godfather Michael Madigan. "Without the use of bribes, underhanded dealing, and so-called 'donations', the entire structure of Illinois government would fall apart." Republicans expressed anger at the Democrat-sponsored bill. "We're the ones who really elevated bribery to a national scandal," complained former Senate Majority Leader James "Pate" Philip shortly after lying under oath in the trial of Scott Fawell. "Now the goddamn Democrats are trying to take credit for it with this bill." However, Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley said, "Democrats have nearly perfected bribery in this state. The fact that the Ryan Administration got caught is just further proof that the Republicans are rank amateurs at it."

The Solomon Islands, previously one of the nations cited by the US as a supporter of the war, has repudiated any endorsement of the war. "Obviously, this is a devastating blow to the US attack on Iraq," declared Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld upon learning the news. "What the hell are we going to do?"

The New Zealand Herald reported March 27 that the Solomon Islands did not, in fact, support the war as claimed by the Bush Administration. Solomon Islands Prime Minister Allan Kemakeza declared, "The Government is completely unaware of such statements being made."

The Solomon Islands, despite having no military capabilities, was regarded as a key ally in the US efforts to de-throne Saddam Hussein. "We're fucked," declared Rumsfeld.

Project Big Idea, instigated by one Candi Arthromitus, of the Renfro A'Brook Isolation Initiation Association, in cooperation with the Ronald McDonald Foundation, and Sam and Bud Walton Inc., celebrated the 25th successful Fat Launch 2010(r), the response to NASA's declassified jests regarding fat people in space. Neesha Addison-Ray, 24, formerly of Normal, Illinois, departed the Kennedy Space Center in tears of incognizant joy, as family and friends watched the 5'3", 153lb corpulence launch into the cloudy October sky.

Prior to her reassignment, and following her societal debunking, Addison-Ray alleged that she would miss earth but was sure she would find "greater happiness in anti-gravitation." Her last lucid statement, concerning what she wished she could take into space, involved an in-depth description of a 1000 piece covered-bridge jigsaw puzzle, an oversized purple vibrator, and her beloved poodle, Butch. NASA officials reported Addison-Ray's release into the Plutonian orbit as successful, and commented, "This was one giant leap for Neesha, but one small step for obesity. We're hoping to deposit 75% of the obese by 2025. Things are looking up for America."

Confidential sources have revealed to the Indy that the world is unjust. "Not everything is good and fair on this planet," declared a high-ranking United Nations official who wished to remain anonymous.

A Confidential Defense Department Memo has been discovered which lists the alternative names considered by the US for "Operation Iraqi Freedom":

• Operation Kill Saddam for Daddy
• Operation Pump My Gas
• Operation Kick Some Ass
• Operation Just Deserts
• Operation Killing Time
• Operation Iraq and Roll
• Operation Iraqi Fiefdom
• Operation Saddam Sucks
• Operation Desert Scorn
• Operation of Mass Destruction
• Operation Go It Alone, Cowboy!
• Operation Mother of All Operations

As part of its fundraising efforts, ISU officials decided to sell the entire university to the Disney corporation for an undisclosed sum.

"In one swoop, we have raised more money than ISU has ever been seen before," declared Vic "Yes, I'm still the President" Boschini. "I'm a fundraising genius." The proceeds from the sale of the university, Boschini said, will be used to benefit students after administrators received their bonuses.

Disney officials plan to alter the remodel of Schroeder Hall and turn it into an "academic theme park," complete with a "Waterslide of Wisdom" and a theater for screening Disney films, which will be required viewing for all students. In addition, all students will be required to work internships for Disney.

By coincidence, the College of Selling Out last week announced a new major in Mouseketeering (or Disney Studies). Courses for the major will be offered in Sweatshop Management, Retailing Overpriced Crap, Disney Ethics (15-minute course), and Brainwashing Children. College of Selling Out officials praised themselves for offering yet another service to corporate America. "After all, ISU has so many worthless fluff majors with no conceivable intellectual content, why not add another?" noted the dean, who said she wanted to be called "Dean Goofy."

In a surprise move Monday, ISU professors voted overwhelmingly to join the Screen Actors Guild, rejecting the traditional unions for teachers. "Faculty unions are wimpy," noted English professor and agitator Curtis White. "But the Screen Actors Guild can really kick ass. Nobody screws with them. Plus, we get to vote on the Oscars." Several professors expressed a secret desire to "leave this dull small town and its dim-witted students" to pursue the dream of a career in Hollywood.

Bloomington-Normal residents buying duct tape and other "terrorism supplies" were laughed at by several international terrorists who ridiculed the possibility. "You're got be kidding," declared a spokesperson for Islamic Jihad. "If you attack a place like Normal, they'll laugh you out of the Terrorism Club." Central Illinois White Supremacist Nathan Hale, speaking from prison, agreed: "Why would I launch a terrorist attack around here? Most people agree with me."

A weepy ISU president Vic Boschini admitted to students last week, "I love you guys. I really love you." He said that he intends to bring all students with him to Texas Christian University: "Let's face the facts. ISU is doomed, and you should get out while you can." When asked how 20,000 students could fit on a much smaller campus, Boschini replied, "It might be a little crowded, but we can have a sleepout on the quad. Maybe we can take a few dorms with us." However, Boschini indicated that he may not make the same offer to faculty: "Those ungrateful bastards can rot in hell."

Normal town officials have confirmed that a local election is being held on April 1, even though it might seem like an April Fool's prank.

"It's joke, right? We don't actually elect anyone, do we?" asked Joe Schmo, a sophomore at ISU majoring in Recreational Sex.

"Actually, this will be a legitimate election," said Normal Mayor Chris Koos. "Except for the referendum on the downtown hotel. That's a little prank we do where we pretend this is a democracy."

An ISU political scientist whose name we forgot to write down expressed concern about the timing of the election: "People already think Normal's politicians are a big joke. This doesn't help."

Facing a severe space crunch next fall, ISU officials announced plans to address a lack of classrooms by holding some courses in SUVs parked in ISU lots. President-Select Al Bowman indicated that SUVs were an ideal solution to the problem. "Many of them can squeeze in 15 or 20 students. And what else are they good for?" The new Vice-President of Classroom Facilities, a guy known only as "Lenny", will be equipped with special tools to gain access to the SUV mobile classrooms. President-Escape Vic Boschini dismissed concerns about the quality of education that would be available in large vehicles. "You can all kiss my Texas Christian ass!"

ISU students reported disappointment upon learning that the new provost has no connection to Elvis. "When I heard about a Provost Presley, I thought it would be cool to have Elvis around campus, even if it wasn't the young Elvis," said Jill Schmo, a Junior majoring in Excessive Drinking. Provost Presley noted that he is not Elvis, nor is he related to Elvis, and Elvis is, in fact, dead. Provost Presley also reported that he is unable to dance or sing like Elvis. "No, I can't," declared Provost Presley. "Will you idiots stop asking me that?"

President-Escape Vic Boschini announced Wednesday that ISU would address budget cuts by hiring inflatable professors to teach several courses. "I got the idea from watching the inflatable auto-pilot in Airplane!" said Boschini. "It's a really good movie." Boschini believed that most students wouldn't notice the change, since they're "skipping class, hung over, or just plain stupid." Boschini indicated that plastic professors filled with air would require less office space, never unionize, and do "substantially less complaining."

WZND officials proudly announced Thursday that the latest Arbitron ratings indicate that, most of time, the ISU student radio station has at least one listener.

"Man, you mean someone is actually listening? That really steps up the pressure," said one student DJ who refused to be identified because he hadn't yet decided on his fake radio name.

No one at WZND could confirm if the one person listening to the radio station is the same individual who watches TV-10 news.