US Plans to Invade Normal

(AP)-America plans to invade Normal, Illinois and impose "regime change" unless Normal officials agree to leave town.

President George W. Bush called Normal officials "evil doers" and opposed to American interests, pointing to their European-style traffic circle planned for downtown and Normal's close relations with foreign corporations, such as the Japanese Mitsubishi plant, which "raise questions about whose side it is on."

White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer refused to comment on the thousands of Normal residents likely to die during the invasion, but he said, "They will cheer as the cruise missiles fly towards Town Hall."

Felmley Hall and the Science Laboratory Building are also likely targets of the attack due to the Chemistry and Biology Departments. Virtually all campus buildings may be bombed because of the chemical weapons disguised as cleaning supplies in janitor's closets.

Bush also expressed concern that inspectors were not being allowed to kidnap ISU scientists and torture them until they confessed. "Obviously, the town of Normal and ISU, they is hiding something." When his lack of subject-verb agreement was pointed out by a reporter, Bush angrily said, "Don't get on my case. I can't spell 'daisy cutter' but I can order one up your ass."

The Bush Administration declared that nothing short of regime change would be acceptable in Normal, Illinois. Bush added that if the United Nations did not endorse this invasion and promise to obey every command of the U.S., "people will begin to question its relevance and power."

President-Select Bush also indicated that the leaders of Normal were "major league assholes."

Vice President Dick Cheney called the area around Normal "a major source of the world's vegetable oil, and therefore an essential resource for my friends to control and profit from."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld noted a publicly-financed hotel and museum planned for Normal "sure sounds un-American. It's practically communism."

Secretary of State Colin Powell rejected the idea of inspections, noting that ISU students are experts at concealment and deception: "When you see all the fake IDs, the illegal booze and drugs being consumed in town, how can we trust Normal officials when they claim that all weapons of mass destruction have been eliminated?"

National Security Adviser Condoleeza Rice declared her concern that Normal Mayor Chris Koos, owner of Vitesse Cycle Shop and Often Running, "may be aiding potential terrorists in their escape by selling them bicycles and running accessories."

Pentagon officials expressed confidence that they could disarm Normal while continuing operations in Iraq. One top official stated, "Normal isn't much of a town to grapple with."