The Illinois State Patriot

The inaugural issue of the Illinois State Patriot, largely plagiarized from a right-wing California student paper, was met with great amusement by the entire campus. Despite promising that the next issue would appear in January, however, the College Republicans have failed to produce a sequel. Fortunately, our ace reporters have uncovered the secret contents of the next issue, which we reproduce here.

ISU Profs, Protesters Proven to Be Traitors

During World War I, this country banned German classes, spied on colleges, and outlawed opposition to war. It's time to return to the good old days.

We demand the suspension of all French language and literature classes, except for the training of espionage agents. Classes dealing with Arabs and Muslims must also be restricted until these countries agree to follow US orders. The FBI should get rid of all these foreigners in our universities. And liberals need to realize that their protests against the American troops will get them arrested. Unfortunately, the liberal control of the media and colleges means that much of the public is unaware of these traitors in our midst.

All students should be wary of foreign spies in their classrooms, especially among the professors. What might seem to be thought-provoking assignments are actually ordered by their masters in order to undermine confidence in the US government. Some professors have even questioned US plans for war. Such traitorous comments cannot be permitted.

Don't boycott classes because they have anti-war professors. But make sure you and a friend take careful notes. Remember, it takes two witnesses for a charge of treason.

Affirmative Action for conservative White Men

As everyone knows, conservative white guys are the true oppressed minority in America. While women, blacks, and homos get all the advantages in the world-free colleges, lavish free dinners financed by the US government, and automatic hiring for all jobs-the unfortunate rich white guys of the world are forced to suffer. Where's their 40 acres and a mule?

Consider President George W. Bush-he gets ridiculed about his intelligence just because he's a right-wing white guy. Or all of those CEOs getting arrested. The fact that they are accused of "white" collar crimes reflects the outright racism perpetuated against white people. It's time to stop this oppression of the white man. Until recently, white guys ran this country completely and it worked great. The overwhelming majority of CEOs in America are conservative white guys. Obviously the problem at ISU is outright discrimination. We must demand the exclusive hiring and admission of conservative white guys by ISU until their proportion matches that of corporate executives.

Gun Control: What's it Good for? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Saddam Hussein is a perfect example of why gun control is wrong. The US and the world sold Saddam weapons during the 1980s, providing him with the army to invade Iraq and oppress his people. Because of this, the US was able to display its mighty military power in the first Gulf War and Operation Iraqi Freedom. If gun control had kept Saddam from getting armed, we wouldn't have these glorious wars. And if every Iraqi had a gun, then they would have been able to rise up against Saddam and defeat his tanks, artillery, machine guns, chemical weapons, and Republican Guard. Unfortunately, many of the weapons used to liberate Iraq are unavailable to the average American. Imagine if we could only have Tomahawk missiles, machine guns, armor-piercing bullets, tanks, and other weaponry. ISU is only safe because us College Republicans go around packing heat, ready to blow away evildoers in classes. Without us, the entire campus would be overrun with rapists and and murderers. What thanks do we gun-toting conservatives get? Absolutely nothing. Those damn liberals would probably be upset that armed conservatives are sitting next to them in class, saving their lives with high-powered weaponry.

Conservaphobic? Find Out If You Are One

Liberals are always whining about homophobia and nonsense like that. Of course, us conservatives are never homophobic: we hate homos, we don't fear them. The true phobia around ISU is conservaphobia. Take this test. You are conservaphobic if you think:

• conservatives should be arrested for having sex in the privacy of their own bedrooms
• conservatives should be discriminated against in housing & employment
• books about conservatives should be banned from schools
• anyone who "looks conservative" should be subject to slurs and abuse
• conservatives should be prohibited from marrying each other
• conservatives should be prohibited from being in the Boy Scouts
• conservatives are condemned in the Bible
• conservatives should be banned from the US armed forces
• conservatives should be beaten to death for their orientation

Clearly, liberals believe in all of these things. Until we end conservaphobia, the rights of conservatives will continue to be infringed. It's time to stop the oppression of the conservatives. We're here. We're sincere. Get used to it.

U.S. Creates Department of Freedom and Democracy

It was just like any other day for seven year old Jimmy Tanner of Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts. Jimmy ate a big plate of freedom toast for breakfast, played with the class democracy pig at school, and came home for a wonderful dinner of hamburgers and freedom fries. Jimmy is not alone however. Chestnut Hill, along with many other cities across the country, is following the recommendations of the newly established Department of Freedom and Democracy. President Bush authorized the historic new department after U.S. Rep. Bob Ney (OH) and U.S. Rep. Walter Jones (NC) changed the menus in the three House office buildings. In the menus "French fries" and "French toast" were changed to "freedom fries" and "freedom toast," respectively.

"Bob Ney and Walter Jones provided great examples of how regular Americans can show their disgust with France," responded Bush. "That is why I have chosen Mr. Ney to be the new Secretary for the Department of Freedom and Democracy."

President Bush went on to explain that the new Department will be in charge of renaming not only French products, but any product that has a foreign name.

"September 11th changed the world," said Bush. "Not only can we no longer wait for our enemies to attack us, but we can also no longer wait for our allies to turn against us. This Department will make sure that foreign products, culture, and names will no longer affect America's impressionable children."

Bush's pre-emptive strike on foreign names is a very controversial move but has received support from the majority of Americans. When Henry Kirchner of Cedar Rapids, Iowa was asked what he thought about the new Department, he responded with resounding support for the president. "France and other countries are obviously not the allies we thought they were. I don't want my kid being influenced by people who support weapons of mass destruction."

While Bush cannot force businesses to change the names of products, he plans on providing incentives to entice them to follow the Department of Freedom and Democracy's policies.

President Bush is asking that $22.6 billion be used to provide tax rebates for businesses that change the names of products that the government deems "incendiary to the public good." House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-Texas) rallied fellow Congressmen to the President's cause. "We must give the President the funding he requires to ensure that freedom and democracy continue to reign free in this great land. We cannot allow foreign aggressors to attack the freedoms we hold most dear."

Some Americans are even going above and beyond what the Department of Freedom and Democracy is calling for. Jason Kivisto has been leading the cause against France as soon as he heard that they opposed military action against Iraq. In his hometown of Blacksburg, Virginia Jason has started to circulate a petition that called for the deportation of the Statue of Liberty. "We don't need that statue anymore," exclaimed Kivisto. "Americans don't take handouts. We can build our own damn Lady Liberty." Jason's petition calls for the statue to be disassembled and smuggled back into France by Navy Seals. They will then reassemble the statue in an undisclosed location. Once erected, the statue will be painted red, white, and blue. The final touch will be to extend Lady Liberty's middle finger to salute the French people.

Jason stated that America's Special Forces are the best in the world and will be able to pull this mission off without the French even knowing what happened. Many Americans agree with Kivisto. Over 6 million people have already signed his petition.

When President Bush heard of the plan he quickly responded that no such action was in the works. Later Bush did say that the Department of Freedom and Democracy would look into the viability of such a plan, however.

"Americans do not have to worry about our superior culture being invaded by possible enemies," stated White House Spokesman Ari Fleischer at a recent press conference. "The Department of Freedom and Democracy will make sure that France and other nations will not ruin democracy by having their voices heard among the American people."

A Sample of the Changes the Department of Freedom and Democracy is calling for:

Old Word New Word French Door American Door French Dressing Capitalism Dressing French Fries Freedom Fries French Toast Freedom Toast French Horn Liberty Horn French Canadian Freedom Challenged French Silk Pie Free Will Pie German Shepherd Republican Shepherd Guinea Pig Democracy Pig Molotov Cocktail Inspiration Cocktail Chili Independence Soup Belgian Waffles Free Market Waffles Belgian Chocolate Popular Rule Chocolate Canadian Bacon Justice Bacon