Saddam Deploys Biological Agent

It was a day like any other on the USS Jefferson in the Persian Gulf. Cruise missiles were heading towards a sleeping Baghdad, and more British troops were being killed by friendly fire. However, Pfc. Scott McKlendon of Sioux Falls, SD, will forever be haunted by what took place.

"At approximately 0930 hours on 21 March, I observed a slight disturbance in the water during R&R," a shaken McKlendon told reporters at an emergency press conference called by the administration on Friday. "At first I thought it was a school of bluefish, but eventually I saw a gray shape rise-"

Too distraught to speak, press secretary Ari Fleischer finished the account for Mr. McKlendon.

"The bottlenose dolphin jumped from the water with a laser beam gun attached to its shoulder. Fortunately, the gun malfunctioned and the dolphin disappeared."

In response to a question of where a dolphin could possibly obtain this sort of weapon, Fleischer said, "These mammals are very crafty. They can learn the most complicated of tricks. And they can be trained much more quickly than can humans. Did you know that juvenile dolphin brains are the twice as big as a human child of the same age. It's true. Whereas we have to wait for 20 years for a soldier to be able to do the simplest of tasks, a mere 10 year old dolphin can do it just as well."

Mr. Fleischer continued, saying that as of yet US Intelligence has not concluded whether or not this dolphin was acting alone, in conjunction with Al-Qaeda, or if he was trained by the Iraqi military. "With this latest act of defiance, Saddam Hussein is in clear material breach of UN resolutions outlawing the use of biological weapons. I mean, where does everyone learn about dolphins? In BIOLOGY class, that's where."

When asked if this recent attack could possibly be linked to President Bush's effort to lighten restrictions on which sorts of tuna fishing techniques can be considered "Dolphin-Safe," Mr. Fleischer replied, "The issue is not about tuna. It's about twelve, count 'em twelve, years of deceit by Saddam in the face of the will of the international community."

Mr. Fleischer also added an appeal to any potential terrorist dolphins. "Any marine mammal taking up arms against the United States will be treated as an enemy combatant. If you surrender unconditionally, you will be given the tastiest of fish and a place in the new democracy of Iraq. Yes, Kurds, Shiites, Sunnis, and Dolphins will soon live in harmony."

Saddam Hussein Finally Killed By American Forces, But Bush Administration Says War Is Not Finished

The situation in Iraq heated up Monday night when President George Bush spotted Saddam Hussein coming out of a convenience store. After ordering his squad to strike, Bush reflected on the attack: "I never thought it would have been so easy." Nonetheless, the war was reported to have continued, as the Bush Administration claimed only hours after the attack that Saddam Hussein still might have a second cousin (once removed) somewhere in Iraq that might use weapons of mass destruction on America.

Vice President Dick Cheney went on the record threatening, "If he doesn't surrender within 48 hours we're going to level this place!" When questioned about what would happen to the four million Iraqis living in Baghdad if the U.S. destroyed the city, Cheney answered, "I'm pretty sure Secretary of State Colin Powell already answered this question. It's not a number I'm terribly interested in. I really don't see what the fuss is all about, they all look alike anyways."

George W. Bush Falls Asleep in White House, Cannot Remember Anything When Wakened

(AP) Stunning news from Washington today: President George W. Bush reportedly fell asleep for his seven-hour daily nap, only to awake without any memory of his identity or whereabouts. President Bush was shouting, "I have no idea where the hell I am, who are you people anyways?" Direct reports from the White House confirmed that it took Mr. Bush a full three hours to remember any relevant personal information, dramatically up from his usual one-hour period. President Bush apparently incited a fight with his bodyguards later in the day, shouting angrily, "Why are you following me? Who are you? The Men In Black? I am not an alien! There's no talking dog here." Bush reportedly recanted the final comment though, stating, "Well, maybe there are talking dogs around, but if there are I haven't seen them yet." Many surrounding President Bush have shown increased concern over the President's apparent lack of memory or understanding. Vice President Dick Cheney stated, "We always knew he wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but his current level of infancy is appalling even to me." Some psychologists claim the President's murderously aggressive behavior in the Middle East may have something to do with his current level of pathology. The most compelling calls for concern however, came when Mr. Bush was found at the end of the day hiding in a closet, religiously chanting, "There is no giant hand trying to squash me." One expert discussing Bush's disorders claimed, "He's certifiably insane. All we need is a senility test to prove that he's crazier than Jack Nicholson in The Shining."