Top Terrorists to Tangle in 2004 Election

Osama Bin Laden Reported to Come Out of Exile and Announce His Candidacy for U.S. President

(AP)-Breaking news from Afghanistan: Independent sources have recently confirmed that Osama Bin Laden plans to emerge from his brief 1 ? year hiatus and announce his candidacy for president of the United States of America. Presidential Incumbent George W. Bin Laden argued, "I don't understand why he's running. We already have a terrorist administration running Washington with maximum efficiency. Two's a crowd." Mr. Osama Bin Laden rebutted, "I bring a diversity to the table for this election. After all, who wants to vote for the same terrorist administration over and over when you can have a brand new one?"

Former President George Herbert Walker Bush commented to his son's dismay that it might not be a horrible idea for two terrorists to run simultaneously, "Maybe this guy isn't all that bad. I mean, we have been financing him and his friends for almost twenty years. Besides, we don't need to vilify Bin Laden anymore, Saddam Hussein is our new Hitler now."

Concerning campaign platforms Mr. Osama Bin Laden proposed an innovative tax initiative for 2004, "We don't need to raise taxes, we'll just get terrorists to fund us. Everybody wins this way." Conversely, "President" George W. Bin Laden questioned, "Why should we rely on funding from Saudi terrorists when we can just screw Americans even more?"

Mr. Osama Bin Laden further elaborated upon the advantages of running a second terrorist campaign: "My candidacy has an added advantage, since I'm only public enemy #2 (Mr. Osama Bin Laden noted that "President" George W. Bin Laden still retains the #1 slot). He continued arguing, "I have to win, I mean you elected Dubya for god's sake! I can't possibly be as dumb as him." Nonetheless, the "President" declared that a victory for Mr. Osama Bin Laden would be meaningless, stating: "This conversation is totally pointless! I wasn't elected the first time, and I don't have to be the second." The "President" finished his comments with his typical gibberish, which unfortunately had nothing to do with the subject matter, "And so one of the areas where I think the average Russian will realize the stereotypes of America have changed is that it's a spirit of cooperation, not one-upmanship; that we now understand that one plus one can equal three, as opposed to us, and Russia we hope to be zero" (Indy editorial note-this is a real quote from George W. Bush, made on November 15, 2001).

Both candidates, however, did come to an agreement upon the need to destroy democracy in American society. Mr. Osama Bin Laden was very open about his contempt for freedom, "You American pig-dogs are not really free anyway, you think your president really cares about your freedom, well...he doesn't!" "President" George W. Bin Laden concurred, espousing "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator" (Indy editorial note-this is another real quote from George W. Bush, made on December 18, 2000). With the election nearing, it's anyone's guess who will take this one. Both candidates retain impressive terrorist records. But many analysts' predictions indicate a slight advantage for "President" George W. Bin Laden. George reiterated, "There's absolutely no contest. I ordered the killings of almost four thousand people in Afghanistan, starved millions more Afghans by cutting off their food, and I'm doing it again in Iraq. There's no one that even comes close to that level of terrorism right now." However, Mr. Osama Bin Laden countered, "I have faith that the American people will give me the chance to beat his record."