Top Terrorists to Tangle in 2004 Election

Osama Bin Laden Reported to Come Out of Exile and Announce His Candidacy for U.S. President

(AP)-Breaking news from Afghanistan: Independent sources have recently confirmed that Osama Bin Laden plans to emerge from his brief 1 ? year hiatus and announce his candidacy for president of the United States of America. Presidential Incumbent George W. Bin Laden argued, "I don't understand why he's running. We already have a terrorist administration running Washington with maximum efficiency. Two's a crowd." Mr. Osama Bin Laden rebutted, "I bring a diversity to the table for this election. After all, who wants to vote for the same terrorist administration over and over when you can have a brand new one?"

Former President George Herbert Walker Bush commented to his son's dismay that it might not be a horrible idea for two terrorists to run simultaneously, "Maybe this guy isn't all that bad. I mean, we have been financing him and his friends for almost twenty years. Besides, we don't need to vilify Bin Laden anymore, Saddam Hussein is our new Hitler now."

Concerning campaign platforms Mr. Osama Bin Laden proposed an innovative tax initiative for 2004, "We don't need to raise taxes, we'll just get terrorists to fund us. Everybody wins this way." Conversely, "President" George W. Bin Laden questioned, "Why should we rely on funding from Saudi terrorists when we can just screw Americans even more? [Full Article]

US Plans to Invade Normal

(AP)-America plans to invade Normal, Illinois and impose "regime change" unless Normal officials agree to leave town.

President George W. Bush called Normal officials "evil doers" and opposed to American interests, pointing to their European-style traffic circle planned for downtown and Normal's close relations with foreign corporations, such as the Japanese Mitsubishi plant, which "raise questions about whose side it is on."

White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer refused to comment on the thousands of Normal residents likely to die during the invasion, but he said, "They will cheer as the cruise missiles fly towards Town Hall."

Felmley Hall and the Science Laboratory Building are also likely targets of the attack due to the Chemistry and Biology Departments. Virtually all campus buildings may be bombed because of the chemical weapons disguised as cleaning supplies in janitor's closets.

Bush also expressed concern that inspectors were not being allowed to kidnap ISU scientists and torture them until they confessed. "Obviously, the town of Normal and ISU, they is hiding something." When his lack of subject-verb agreement was pointed out by a reporter, Bush angrily said, "Don't get on my case. I can't spell 'daisy cutter' but I can order one up your ass." [Full Article]

Saddam Deploys Biological Agent

It was a day like any other on the USS Jefferson in the Persian Gulf. Cruise missiles were heading towards a sleeping Baghdad, and more British troops were being killed by friendly fire. However, Pfc. Scott McKlendon of Sioux Falls, SD, will forever be haunted by what took place.

"At approximately 0930 hours on 21 March, I observed a slight disturbance in the water during R&R," a shaken McKlendon told reporters at an emergency press conference called by the administration on Friday. "At first I thought it was a school of bluefish, but eventually I saw a gray shape rise-"

Too distraught to speak, press secretary Ari Fleischer finished the account for Mr. McKlendon.

"The bottlenose dolphin jumped from the water with a laser beam gun attached to its shoulder. Fortunately, the gun malfunctioned and the dolphin disappeared." [Full Article]

The Illinois State Patriot

The inaugural issue of the Illinois State Patriot, largely plagiarized from a right-wing California student paper, was met with great amusement by the entire campus. Despite promising that the next issue would appear in January, however, the College Republicans have failed to produce a sequel. Fortunately, our ace reporters have uncovered the secret contents of the next issue, which we reproduce here. [Full Article]